Getting My Kicks

 

By Verna Bewick

 

Dear Santa,

I’m not asking for presents, but I do have request. I know it’s a weird thing to ask, but if it helps, I’ve been real good this year…

I seem to have developed a little predilection. Just after New Year’s, I was hungry and walked out of Safeway with a plum in my pocket. That was January 3rd, and I’d never performed the five finger discount before, but it was an honest mistake. The plum not only satisfied my hunger, but it also gave me a bit of a thrill.

In April, I was running late for a meeting downtown. I took the street because it was a more direct route than the Plus 15. The traffic had stopped at a light a half block down the one-way, so I zipped across. Next thing I knew, there was a Mercedes honking. Coming straight for me! I jumped to the side. I saw the passenger’s side tire smush my Starbucks cup. Just rolled right over it! I didn’t realize those hub caps were so bloody shiny – never been that close before! It took my breath away.

I was good for a while. Then in July, I fell off a ladder in my kitchen while changing a bulb. Fortunately it was only a two-step, so the wrist sprain and all the bruises were minor. I actually giggled for Chrissakes. I haven’t giggled since eighth grade.

Fall came and I fell out of the pine in my front yard. I was knocking the dead needles off with my husband’s old floor hockey stick and was not holding on. If I’d seen anyone else try this, I would have thought they were psycho. The lawn was covered with needles and leaves, so I landed softly and only bit the inside of my cheek. I went right back at it and finished the job, staying upright unfortunately.

In November, my infatuation with thrills turned into an all-out affair with the hanging of the Christmas lights. My man was wondering why I offered to do them. He asked if he “did it wrong last year,” like I was tearing off his testicles. We made up when I let him get the ladder for me. You know that label on the top rung that says “don’t go past this step”? I went past it. I swung one leg over the top, straddling it, and managed to get that puppy rocking! Woo Hoo! Feliz Navidad!

So, jolly Old St. Nicholas, lean your ear this way, don’t you tell a single soul what I’m going to say… come on Santa, let me drive your sleigh!

With love,
Getting my kicks in Canmore!