Snippet of conversation that occurred yesterday, somewhat paraphrased as I really can't remember the EXACT conversation.
S: BJ and I were just saying how happy you are.
Me: You were talking about me?
S: Yes. Your husband and child have really done wonders for you.
Me: I seem happy? (thinking a little about how I didn't seem happy before)
S: Yes. Not that you weren't happy before. Kind of like walking into a room you just finished tidying although you didn't think it was all that messy in the first place and exclaiming, Wow, this place really was a mess. Does that make sense?
Me: Yeah, I guess so. (I smile and nod, of course it makes perfect sense)
Now I have been thinking about this conversation since then. There was more to it but this snippet pretty much sums it up. All the pertinent details so to speak.
So what has changed in the last few years to have gotten me to this so called happy place? A place we always dream of but for most of lives seems just beyond our fingertips. We can see it, but it eludes us when we try and reach out and take hold. Hmmm...
Let's see. Yes I got married. Almost 3 years ago now. Hubby and I were just talking about that. Joking about how it seems like only yesterday. Or were we? I really couldn't ask for a better husband. So calm and relaxed, just taking each day as it comes. Not expecting too much and accepting me for me and trying to accept the things that interest me although I know at times it's hard for him to completely understand. And he is such a wonderful and attentive father to our little girl.
Yes, that's right. We had a baby just shy of our first anniversary. This little girl has brought me so much joy and frustration. But definitely more joy. She has taught me that all that matters is what's here and now, right in front of you. Well, hubby helped with that too cause that's just the way he is.
Along with the having the baby came the not having to work full time. I don't have to battle rush hour traffic any more. Nor will I ever again unless it's by choice. I now have a flexible work schedule that allows me to remain home with my little girl and when I can't be here, Daddy is always there to take over. It really is the perfect situation. I wish everyone could have that much support.
I am writing again after a long break. I had lost the motivation and drive to do what deep down I knew I really wanted to be doing. Thanks to the wonderful support of other writerly friends I have found a renewed passion and am branching out to try new things. I have always thought I was adventurous but really when it came right down to it, I would much rather sit at home and relax in the safety of my own little world.
Just this year I have fully come to terms with the circumstances of my childhood. I never really thought it was impedeing me that much and honestly had thought that I was over it. Ready to move on. But every now and again little things would eke to the surface and questions would arise. Questions that I thought were better left unsaid only because I wanted to continue to believe that it didn't bother me. When those questions were finally set free and answered, it really did feel like a weight had been lifted. I was left with a better understanding of the decisions that had been made and why they were made in that particular way. I even cried. Something that I don't think I had ever done before. That was the key. To recognize and then mourn the loss was more cathartic than I could have imagined.
So I can't actually say that any one thing got me to this happy place, but if people think that I am there, then I will embrace that and say, yep, I guess I have really found it.
Now the challenge will be to actually stay there.