Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Working on My Christmas List

By Joanne Dippel

This Letter to Santa is more of a letter to the entire adult population of the world who have forgotten they can still write their own lists. It's a reminder that Christmas and Santa are not just for kids. We all have wants and needs. Some more than others.

Having recently learned that Santa accepts lists from adults, and feeling a little miffed that I hadn’t known this earlier, I decided to compose a list. Perhaps Santa could work with my husband and we could all avoid a repeat of the Swiss Army Knife incident of 2004. Admittedly not as nasty as knife incidents can be, I was disappointed by the choice of a Swiss Army Knife for Christmas. Yes, it was practical. But I’m not. So, here are some of the things I’m considering for my list:

1.      A small home renovation project – I’d like French doors installed. My concern in asking Santa for such a project, though, is the reliability of his contractors. Are they licensed, bonded? Are they elves? It would be so disappointing to need Mike Holmes to come in and fix the shoddy workmanship of a bunch of well-meaning elves. It’s tricky to ask for this one.

2.      Shoes – I like shoes. I’m not shoe-crazy but there are shoes I’d love to buy. With shoes, however, there’s the issue of fit. I don’t want to have to nag Santa for a receipt so I can return shoes. He’s so worn out after Christmas. And you just know he gets a lot more requests for returns and exchanges than he gets Thank You cards. Any shoe request would have to be very specific to ensure success.

3.      A Sock Matching Application for Smart Phones – You know this is coming. I suspect it’s in a beta testing phase right now and being kept very hush-hush. If Santa has some inside knowledge on this, he might be willing to provide access to those of us who are, for now at least, in his good books. The technology will be life-changing; I want in.

4.      The return of my hairstylist – Rebecca left me without a word. She was always quiet but she didn’t have to be silent about her departure. My life and my hair haven’t been the same since. If teams of private investigators can’t find her, maybe this request is beyond even Santa’s abilities. And, really, does Santa know a lot about hairstylists? He wears the hat a lot; a good coif might not be a priority for him. Rebecca may be gone for good.

5.      Starbucks Behaviour Modification – Ideally, I would ask that from now on, every Starbucks customer orders a drink as simple as my favourite – “Tall Bold with Room for Cream.” That’s a lot to ask though and, as long as people know what they want, it’s fine if they go into incredible detail with their drink requests. More troublesome are people who ask questions about the moisture content of beans and people who stand in front of the cream and sugar and lids when they don’t even want cream or sugar or lids. The problem with requesting any changes is that I don’t know Santa’s Starbucks habits. There’s the potential to really offend him and I don’t want to do that.

6.      A Chef – It’s time. I have defied the odds. Most people would bet that, after 20 years, a person’s cooking has to get better. I have proven this is not the case. I am still making the same poor quality meals. My Kraft Dinner is inconsistent. I’ve had a slow cooker for a year and a half and learned how to set the (wrong) temperature this week. I would like to have a chef for a little while. My family would like to have a chef for a little while. It looks like Santa eats quite well and he and Mrs. Claus keep all those elves fed. I think he can help with this one.

I don’t need any of the above items, except the chef. Santa put out the request, though, and it can’t hurt to offer some suggestions.  If he wants to know what I really want, it’s to arrange a meeting with him in the New Year, when he’s had time to rest. I’d love to hear the perspective of a caring man who travels around the world and understands the lives of all children. I’m sure he’d be fascinating even if it turns out he has bad hair.

Good luck with your lists.

Merry Christmas!  Season’s Greetings!


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