Writing on the Wall

Not much beats a quiet evening in the living room, laptop strategically perched, rhythmically tapping out the next genius blog and savouring the aroma of a nice mug of hot chocolate, reveling in the warmth as it drizzles down your throat.  In the background Roberto Luongo and his Vancouver Canucks are giving Sydney Crosby and the Pittsburg Penguins a royal ass-whooping.  Really...nothing could be better.

But it's on these quiet evenings, even with the distraction of a fabulous hockey game, that I tend to sit and think about some of the things that really chaffe my ass.  Like tight underwear, riding up where they don't belong.  I think about things that are just plain unfair and even though they are things of the past, sometimes they find their way back to the forefront of my thoughts.  Usually there is a trigger.  A conversation with someone, something seen on TV or in the news or on the internet.

This time it was based on a conversation.  One that I tried to dismiss but nevertheless it remains with me.

When we are children we dream of that big fancy wedding, having a nice house with a house full of children.  You imagine the day that you finally find out you are pregnant, because it's what you wanted, maybe a little sooner than expected or planned, but wanted nonetheless.  You are so full of excitement, anticipation, fear of the unknown and you just want to share that with your friends and family.  So you start the task of telling all the people you are close to, that matter to you, waiting for them to share in your joy, expecting them to be happy for you.  And most of them are.  Most of them are thrilled for you, excited, supportive.  But then there comes the one that just can't say anything good.  The one that you would have expected to be the happiest, the one that is supposed to be more supportive than anyone else.  But nothing good comes from that person's mouth.  Not even the slightest joy in the moment, no congratulations, nothing.  Instead, through harsh words you are brought to tears in an already stressful and unknown situation and they show none of the support that should have been there.  It takes months for this person to finally come around, essentially not happening until the birth of that precious little bundle.  I can never tell my daughter that initially this person never wanted her to be born.  Someone that she should grow extremely close to in the coming years.

And then...to make matters worse, the talk of there potentially being another one at some point in the future, brings about almost the same reaction.  Although I ask for there not to be a reaction like that, I am told that if I don't want a reaction like that, then I will probably get complete silence as this person tries to bite their tongue.  Is this fair?  I say no.  And it hurts more than you can imagine...even after proving that it has been fine so far with the first one, I am threatened with the same reaction if it were to happen again.  If it's a threat to try and make me change my mind, it's not going to work.  It saddens and angers me all at the same time.

It brings up the idea of never telling this person until I have to.  Like the day I give birth.  That's certainly not how it's supposed to be.  I  know there will be plenty of other people that will be more than happy for us when the time comes and it will come.  Because I make my own decisions, along with my husband, on what is best for us and what we want.  Not what one person thinks we should or shouldn't do. 

It's amazing though how even though you have hundreds of people that are purely elated and share in your joy, just one person can deflate your mood in an instant.  You can't really blame someone for not wanting to go there again.  Maybe if it was negativity from someone not so important it wouldn't hurt so much, you would just brush it off and say whatever and carry on. But that is not a luxury I have. 

I know this person will read this post...and I just hope that maybe something will sink in a little about how much this hurts, even though I have said it before and it seems to have gone ignored.