Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dear Santa...

By Dan St. Yves

This letter originally appeared in the Kelowna Daily Courier's Event Magazine. You can catch more of Dan's humour, wit and ramblings on his blog, Such is Life. Also follow him on Twitter, @thatdanguy1

Dear Santa…

Long time no talk. How’s Mrs. Claus? I bet it’s real cold up there at The North Pole. Do you eat a lot of chicken noodle soup?

I’ve been good. Really good. Even my sister would agree, if she had half a brain.

Sorry, that was wrong. She’s a very nice person, with more than half a brain…(gotta be nice…gotta be nice…gotta be nice…)

I tried to get out to see you last year, but even though I was pretty sure I had to be at the North Pole, the clerk at the Petro-Can told me I was just outside Winnipeg. Holy doodles, how much colder can it possibly get???

By the way, I just wanted to apologize in advance. My family went to a “Wild Night” at a local restaurant, and I think the waiter said one of the meats was reindeer!!! I sure hope it wasn’t one of your older deers, but I understand they may be getting too old to pull that sleigh around. Wattaya gonna do?

I’ve given Mom & Dad the annual list, so I’m hoping they’ve sent it already. If they could just embrace modern technology, you might have already got a copy, via e-mail. 

Sorry. That wasn’t right. They are great, and continue to be very nice parents, even if they do send me to bed at a completely ridiculous hour…

Alright, let’s just clarify a few of this year’s requests. I don’t recall asking for corduroy pants last year, or that ugly matching scarf with the tassles. If that’s supposed to be your idea of humour, you need to get out more…

Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I understand that things are tight, what with the economy and all, but I really had my heart set on the Star Wars Action Figure Collection, from all of the movies in the series, NOT the pathetic Stone Cold Steve Austin doll I did find under the tree. If you’re going to improvise, haven’t you ever heard of The Rock?

If you can’t find them up there, they have tons in stock at our Wal-Mart store…

I should also recap just how good I’ve been all year. Mom has significantly reduced the number of times she has had to send me to my room. I don’t have the full number count in yet, but I think we’ll have seen about a 27% reduction since last year. Not bad, eh?

I’m attaching a personal note from my sister, confirming the continued terms of the treaty we signed in 2002. I do admit to checking her into the garage door a couple of times while playing street hockey, but she has to learn to keep her head up.

OK, gotta go. We’re going to see “Elf” at the theatre tomorrow, so I’ll be looking for you. Keep cool!!

Your friend Danny       

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